Infertility Journey: My Miscarriage

Today was our 2nd baby’s due date. As I look back on the pictures I took of my small bump and the video I recorded telling Jordan I was pregnant for the second time (which I cant post or he would be SO mad 🙂 ) I am beyond hurt and sad. I was so happy to have been able to get pregnant again on my own and Emmitt and baby #2 would only be 2 years apart. Now 5 months later, I still haven’t gotten pregnant again and it makes this day even more hard. I have found myself once a month on a Saturday upset because that was the day id be “6 months pregnant” or “8 months pregnant” I cant even think about it without crying.

One of the hardest parts for me is that I am almost 28 years old and I have people surrounding me that are barely even 25, if that, that are on their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th baby. I am so beyond happy and thrilled for them but it makes my heart hurt because I wish I just knew when my turn was.

I wish I got to know if Emmitt was my only one. I would be sad if he was but at least I wouldn’t spend every month crying because of another false pregnancy test.

All I wanted growing up was to be a mom. I am so grateful that I even get the opportunity to be one to Emmitt. I so badly want him to have siblings to play with. I know that everyone has their own set of trials, and this is mine, PATIENCE. I am patient in certain ways but with waiting for things I want, I am not. I have so much to work on.

Here is the story of how my miscarriage went down. I have looked for peoples stories when I was going through mine for comfort and support but I couldn’t find any, so I hope this helps atleast one person know, they are not alone. Also lots of TMI, so if you dont like that kind of stuff you dont have to read on.

August 28. I was two days shy of being 12 weeks. Jordan and were laying on the couch and I started having mild cramps. He got up to do some work on the computer and I stayed laying on the couch. As I was cramping I felt as though my shorts were too tight and I kept holding them open so they weren’t so tight around my belly. I finally just got annoyed and took them off. (Later I saw blood in my shorts). Around midnight Jordan woke me up and told me to come to bed with him. I went to the bathroom and as soon as I wiped I knew before I saw the toilet paper that there would be blood. I freaked out and called for Jordan. He came in and saw the blood. And we started panicking. We spent the next 2 hours trying to google whether I was miscarrying or not. While doing that Emmitt randomly woke up screaming around 1 am and was crying for like 5 mins before falling back asleep. It was so weird. We decided that if I was still bleeding in the morning is call a dr.

August 29th
When I woke up the next morning I was mildly cramping and still bleeding. I called my dr and she said go to the er. Luckily Jordan’s friend Craig was still in town to help watch Emmitt so we could go bc I didn’t know how long it would take us. We went so one hospital but they didn’t have an ER so we drove to another one and walked all the way around to try to find it bc we had to park far away because so many people were there. By the time we got there it was about 11. We got seen right away I went back for a vaginal ultrasound and regular ultrasound and got blood work done. Two and a half hours after that. The dr finally came in and told us there was no heartbeat.

In those two hours of waiting Jordan and I had already gone back and forth whether we thought we lost the baby and as soon as the dr left we both lost it and started bawling. I was in denial. The suckiest part is that Emmitt and I  were going to be flying out that next day to Arizona and I’m in the middle of miscarrying. The doctor recommended for us to get the pill and take it as soon as I landed in Arizona and hope I wouldn’t fully miscarry on the plane there. I was so nervous and not ready. I don’t know how I should act. Like nothing happened or the world stopped. ☹️.

Since I was going to be flying to Arizona alone with Emmitt, Jordan changed his plans and decided to fly there with me just in case anything happened.

That next day I took the pill. I was having severe pain and contractions. I am not a fan of any form of medication so I hadn’t taken anything because I didn’t think they were going to get as bad as they did. Now looking back im like “Well duh, Taylor your body is basically giving birth how else did you think it was going to feel”.  I dont want to go into full detail of everything that happened at this point but all I know is I gave birth to my baby in the toilet and I have NEVER cried as hard as I did that day. I will NEVER forget it. I loved my baby that I lost. I wanted him/her so bad. I would NEVER wish a miscarriage on my worst enemy. I was emotionally drained.

About a week later in Arizona I had to go see a doctor just to make sure everything was gone. Well it wasn’t and I still had some placenta left and was still bleeding so I had to go the the ER to get a D & C. So after all I had gone through with the pill, I still had to get the D & C done.  I lost it. Why did I have to lose my baby, deliver it, then still have to get a D & C. Hadn’t I gone through enough.

For awhile I wasn’t myself. All I wanted to do was sleep. I neglected my family. I was a wreck.  And I dont usually stay sad long. I am one to always crack jokes or try to make light of situations but it was hard.

I am sick for all the woman out there who have had multiple miscarriages, cant get pregnant, have tried everything. My heart hurts so bad for woman who yearn to be momma’s or want more babies but cant. It all hurts.

I hope that I can be strong longer because it eats me up daily that my body doesn’t work like its supposed to and it comes so easy for other’s to get pregnant. I envy you.

I try to look at what I do have because other than not being able to get pregnant again, I have been so blessed in my life and that’s what keeps me as positive as I can be.

I hope that this all made sense, I am a HORRIBLE writer and my husband usually comes back through and fixes my posts, but I at least wanted to get my emotions out there so if and when my children grow up they can see and read about their lives and how much I loved them and tried to bring them here.