Postpartum depression

I feel bad for moms that get postpartum depression. Depression runs in my family I just never thought I’d struggle with it. Although mine was minor and didn’t last long, I still feel for those mom’s (or people in general that do struggle with depression).

When we got home my poor baby had to do light therapy for jaundice and had to stay in a light bed for 72 hours. It was so hard for me. I sat there and cried next to his bed forever. cried. cried. cried. I felt like a horrible mom that I couldn’t hold him.  I didn’t want to leave him.
My mom stayed with us for two months (thank you mom) so although Jordan and I had a baby we were still able to go out and do things together without Emmitt. I would just make sure I pumped enough to get him through the time we were gone. But every time we would leave I would just cry. But it wasn’t just because I missed Emmitt, I missed my husband who was right next to me. I was so afraid to loose him that I wouldn’t want him to leave the house because I was afraid something would happen to him. One night in particular we went out to eat just the two of us and I could not hold back tears and Jordan would ask me what was wrong and I would just say nothing with the tears filling my eyes, feeling stupid. On our way to the car I just hugged him and started bawling. I couldn’t get close enough to him. It was the weirdest thing. On the way home I tried to explain what was wrong. But I didn’t know how to explain it. “I was crying because I miss you” sounded so dumb and weird.

I also wanted nothing to do with social media (which isn’t a bad thing ha) but I couldn’t believe how selfish people were by wasting their time doing other things than being with their families safely in their homes. I would get so irritated that people would worry about anything other than their family and it would make me so sad. (obviously, I don’t think people are selfish at all, I just had a different mind set at the time)

I also was so upset about the way I looked and felt. I had no desire to get ready because when I did I just looked flabby. nothing I did made me feel good.

I had so many different things that I struggled with the first month after having Emmitt. It’s amazing how much your body and mind can change during and after a pregnancy and birth. I am so blessed that my body was able to carry a full term baby and go through the delivery process (not as easy as I had hoped) safely.


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